Pull Up A Seat

I don’t want to pretend anymore.  Not for one second longer.  I have been feeling out of sorts. You too? I sensed it.  Have you felt drawn to new interests, hobbies, literature, or sources of information?  Me too. Have you felt like the old way of doing things just isn’t working?  Me too. Have you felt like you have to hide parts of yourself for fear of judgment? Me too.

For the last several weeks I have equally felt more myself and simultaneously disconnected from who I “thought” I was.  For so long, I knew my purpose was to contribute to the collective in some way.  I didn’t really know the how, but I knew the why. LOVE. Love has been and would always be my guiding principle. My single mission on this planet.  To be it. Spread it. Teach it. Feel it.  This mission has at times felt overwhelming yet beautiful. Painful yet comforting.  The love mission, if you don’t already know it, is about reminding each and every individual about the unconditional love that they encompass and are worthy of.  The love mission, if you have signed up for it like me, is not an easy one.  This mission is full of obstacles, challenges and pain.

I feel called at this time to give a full disclaimer: I am not who I was 2 years ago, 2 months ago, 2 weeks ago, or even 2 minutes before writing this.  The speed at which I am transmuting this newfound “knowing” and understanding is a speed I didn’t quite know was possible.   The transformation taking place has been one of the biggest leaps in my life, yet it feels completely natural. Just as when the caterpillar starts to cocoon, inherently knowing it is safe, yet unsure about the next phase, I am here to tell you that I have no fucking idea what I am doing… yet I know in my heart, in my deepest depths that I am being called forth.  What would happen if I ignored this request?  Mmm, probably not a whole lot to be honest.  Maybe some mental or physical ailment. Perhaps a few more years or decades of unhappiness and frustration. Or, the nagging feeling stuffed  way, way back in my heart - the tiny voice - “if only you listened to me.” 

Oh, my dear heart. I know. I can no longer ignore you.  Even when some of your closest friends do not understand.  Even you are called to make uncomfortable changes. Even when you want to just submerge under the alcohol, the drugs, the socializing, the shopping, the superficial.  I can’t continue to ignore you. I won’t.  Even when you have this clouded vision of how you will maintain professional relationships and make money.  Even when you feel your gift is more of a curse, less of a blessing.  Even when you’ve spoken your truth and 100 people tell you you’re wrong. I won’t ignore you any longer. I can’t.  

This new calling is scary. Overwhelming.  Soul-rocking.  This calling rings you up and goes “this is not a drill.” This calling will test you.  This calling will demand all of you.  This calling, unlike the blocked number or spam warning, is not to be ignored.  It is time to answer. No dial tone, no fuzzy connection, the message is clear: let’s go.  So here I am, tucked away in bed after a day of trying to find a place to sit at the table.  I tried several tables today.  I tried my favorite and my first go-to: hiding out in my house with TV and binge eating. This one is special to me because it’s a coping mechanism I have used for decades. It’s safe.  When I felt like it was time to leave that table, I drove to town. And tried to find a seat at a table that didn’t want me. A superficial table. One that I was not “hot” enough to sit at.  A table I wanted nothing to do with but convinced myself it would be good to put myself out there and just try.  Wrong. I immediately gave up my seat when several others showed up to take it. At the end of the day, I found myself quite literally at a table. With a friend. Who, like me has been going through a shared experience.  As I sat there, I cried. “Ah, this table. This is the one I have been looking for.”  This table isn’t a place I have spent much time. But it is home. This table is where dreams are free to roam without judgment. This table is a place you are seen, heard, and appreciated for exactly who you are. This is a table of unconditional love. This table is where I originally came from. And where I will continue to sit now that I know what I know.

For so long, I have strived to be well-liked, to be respected, to be understood. Not realizing that I was trying to be all of these things without honoring my true self. This is a declaration of release.  I release myself from this expectation of what I have held myself to. In tandem, I release any attachment to the expectation YOU have of me.  And finally, I release you from holding onto any expectation you have of yourself.  If you read this, and none of this resonates with your heart. It’s okay. I release you.  It is okay if you no longer wish to sit at my table.  It is okay if we no longer align.  I release the fear of judgment, the fear of not being liked, the fear of losing followers, friends, and even business. I release it all because in my heart this is what I know: this new me, this new self, this shiny bright light that has flipped on and can not be turned off says this: “I only seek, what seeks me.”  I only seek, what seeks me.  Alignment. The place I have always wanted to sit. Here at this table, we do love. BIG. We do it in the forms of community and collective healing as well as Individual enlightenment. We share joy, play, beauty, and growth. Total oneness, unconditional love, freedom from any limiting belief or outdated system.  Come sit with me, there will always be a seat for you.