Letting Go
LAST NIGHT I HAD A DREAM. IN MY DREAM I GOT AN ENVELOPE STUFFED WITH THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS OF CASH AND A PINK POST-IT NOTE THAT I WAS BEING EXPELLED FROM SCHOOL BECAUSE THEY “DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH CHALLENGING COURSES FOR ME TAKE.”
Huh, I thought. What an odd way to kick me out I thought. Several interpretations came to mind, my wounded self took it as rejection. That I wasn’t good enough. And then my mother’s interpretation helped me see what I was being told that it’s time to do the work, that I have the knowledge, but that it was time to actually utilize it.
Hmm, funny I thought. This would be the message I receive while trying to let go of an attachment to a man I dated in 2019. These are the behind the scenes struggles that no one sees, only those close enough to me. Only those I am willing to be vulnerable enough to share how my sad sad attachment to this man kept me in a constant state of anxiety and questioning my self-worth.
He re-entered my life again after of few months of silence, a regular guest in my dreamscape, and a physical totem and reminder in real life of my shadow every time we would pass each other around town. What was this man here to teach me? Why was I so attached to him? How did I allow myself to waste over a year in agony?
The rejection I felt was deep, the one that makes you question your self-worth. The one that convinces you that there will never be another man, another opportunity, another chance. That I am fully and wholly unlovable. But wait no, the other part of me, the part full of love, curiosity, courage, and compassion knew that there had to be more.
And so it would be discovered finally… not without a few more failed attempts to “win” him back of course… that wouldn’t it be more productive to refocus this energy onto myself? And there lies the lesson. Surrendering this concept of this man, this idea I was clutching onto so hard. And for so long. Hadn’t I tried enough? Maybe it was time to finally let go.
Letting go. What a concept. You mean I just had to wake up one day and consciously make the choice not to self-sabotage my worthiness any longer? Today was the day. “No more,” I whispered to myself. Today was the day I was going to let go. Without any announcement (other than these words). Without any second thoughts. Without any other reason than allowing myself the opportunity to stop hiding out in my shadow. In my unworthiness. In my rejection of myself. In my wounded whiny-there’s-never-going-to-be-another lacking mindset. Today was the day I let go.
Because I am human and this is how I work, I needed a reward for letting go of this man. So I offered myself this: the opportunity to not carry the heartache. It had gotten too heavy. The opportunity to open myself up for a man who is ready to be with me. I mean, I do deserve this. The opportunity to take by my own power and stop handing off to any attractive male who shows me half-affection.
IT’S TIME. NO MORE WAITING. NO MORE WONDERING. NO MORE HESITATION. IN THIS SWEET SURRENDER, AS I RAISE THE WHITE FLAG I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT THIS IS IT. I AM FINALLY… LETTING GO.
PS: If you haven’t done so already. I highly recommend the book Letting Go by David R. Hawkins. He writes about the psychological and spiritual results of letting go and surrendering. To be an observer of our feelings and thoughts, rather than BE them. It’s been an eye (and heart) opening read.
YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS NECESSARY TO LET THINGS GO; SIMPLY FOR THE REASON THAT THEY ARE HEAVY.
C. JOYBELL